The Physical Aspect

There is an image in our society – permeating magazines and television shows and movies – of a woman taking a pregnancy test and being completely overjoyed at a positive result.  Or on the flip side… being completely devastated at a negative pregnancy test.  These representations are not incorrect.  I have been both of these women.  I have been thrilled at the revelation of a life growing within me and completely torn apart by month after month of efforts to conceive failing.  With my first child, I was even the terrified and un-wed young mother who was unsure what to do next. 

What I had never been until January 2019 was a Christian woman who was happily married, a mother of two, and absolutely furious over a positive pregnancy test.  Not just angry (at God, at myself, at my husband), but scared, exhausted, full of dread.  I have shame over this reaction.  After all, I know what causes pregnancy and how to prevent it.  And while I thought we had, I was wrong.  The moment I looked at that positive pregnancy test I was at once depressed and full of anxiety.  That feeling would last the entire 31 weeks I was pregnant. 

What I was not upset about was the idea of having another child.  Although it seemed daunting considering my then 8-year-old and 6-year-old were mostly independent, great sleepers, and in school.  I wasn’t scared of giving birth again or raising another little one.  I wasn’t worried about finances or having room in our home and our hearts.  The thing I was absolutely terrified of was the pregnancy itself.  You see, in my first pregnancy I had persistent and severe morning sickness nearly every day.  With my second I threw up almost every single day I was pregnant.  My doctors insisted it wasn’t anything to worry about because I started my pregnancy overweight.  At one point my doctor even took me off my anti-nausea meds and then chastised me for not being able to keep down my other essential medications.  With both of my older boys I was even vomiting during the deliveries. 

I knew that if I were to ever become pregnant again I would go through yet another miserable pregnancy.  And if the trend of each pregnancy being worse than the one before continued, I was sure a third would kill me.  And it almost did.  Almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant the nausea and vomiting began.  It wasn’t just a little queasiness in the morning.  It was morning-afternoon-night-middle-of-the-night-driving-the car-taking-a-shower-trying-to-eat-instant-and-forceful vomiting.  I began losing weight at an alarming rate and was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum in my first trimester.  My doctors and I already knew that Zofran wasn’t a drug that had worked in either of my previous pregnancies to stop the vomiting.  There were instances where I’d go 24 to 48 hours throwing up every 10-20 minutes and unable to hold even the tiniest sips of water in my stomach.  There wasn’t a safe food or drink on this planet.  Before long I developed a kidney stone from the dehydration and a pretty bad infection to go along with it.  Over the course of my first and second trimesters I was hospitalized 6 or 7 times.  And that is only the times I stayed one or more nights.  There were countless ER trips for fluids and IV pain medicine for the kidney stone.  During one of these hospital stays I threw up for over 12 hours IN the hospital because no med they gave me could stop it.  Every 2 hours they tried something new… Zofran, reglan, phenergen, and even Benadryl.  At some point they decided to try a steroid.  It was the only thing that worked. 

My doctors decided to put me on a daily dose of the steroid for two weeks with a gradual taper off.  After all, this particular medicine was not intended to be taken on a long-term basis.  I ended up taking that medication twice a day every day for nearly six months. There were still plenty of days I threw up two or three times in the morning, but without the medication I would instantly go back to being sick all day and unable to hold down any food.  The prescription bottle label even said “for treatment of severe hyperemesis of pregnancy.”  The doctor wanted to stress how bad my situation was so that every time the pharmacist refilled the meds, they weren’t withholding it because I was pregnant or questioning the frequency of my steroid use. 

While this medicine seemed to be an answer to prayer and the miracle I greatly needed, it was not without its side effects.  I suffered from insomnia, high blood pressure and high blood sugar.  I never had gestational diabetes with my first two and although I wasn’t officially diagnosed this go around, I still had to check my blood sugar 3 times a day.  I had ultrasounds every week to ensure baby was growing well despite the steroids.  After delivery I had to wean off rather than stop cold turkey.  The amount of medications I took during my pregnancy is staggering.  I can’t even remember all of them.  Every time I went to the ER and they printed my med list for verification it was 4 pages.

The majority of my pregnancy was spent in bed.  I was either sick, exhausted from being sick, or traumatized and overwhelmed from being sick and exhausted.  I can count on one hand how many days were truly good from start to finish during my pregnancy.  Although my man is here now, I look back and feel so many things.  That is part of the reason I wanted to write this out and share my story.   

The end of my pregnancy and the delivery were just as scary and complicated as the months Ezra grew inside of me.  But thankfully, they meant the end.  I will tell that story later.  The effect the physical pain and suffering had on my mental, emotional, and spiritual state were just as damaging if not more.  I will share that part of the story next week.  If you or someone you know has or is living with hyperemesis gravidarum, the HER (hyperemesis research and education) foundation has a website with lots of great information and resources, as well as an app to track your symptoms to share with your doctor.  When you’re sick and beyond tired it can be so hard to remember what to bring up or how many times you’ve been ill in one week.  The app is fantastic for that purpose and something I used during a lot of my pregnancy.  Find more information about hyperemesis gravidarum at the HER website here.