Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a sucker for personality tests. Not just like the Meyers-Brigg’s in depth type tests, but even the cheesy facebook click bait tests like “Which Disney princess are you?” or the Pottermore tests to see which Hogwart’s house I belong in. It’s definitely Gryffindor, by the way.

It was maybe this time last year when my friend Candace introduced me to the enneagram for the first time. I had never even heard of it, but she had plenty of info to share and podcasts to recommend. I took a few online tests and was *so sure* I knew exactly what number I was. After I listened to the audiobook of The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron, I knew that the enneagram number I thought was me in fact, wasn’t. It became clear as day to me that I was actually NOT a 2 (the helper) but a 4 (the individualist). Type 4s are described as being sensitive (yep, totally me!), introspective, expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, creative, and temperamental. I didn’t want to be a 4! I felt exposed, vulnerable, and extremely embarrassed when I had to face the fact of who I actually am rather than who I want to be. Cron writes, “To know oneself is, above all, to know what one lacks. It is to measure oneself against Truth, and not the other way around. The first product of self-knowledge is humility.” Ouch!

Maybe because I’m a super sensitive and dramatic 4, I have spent a lot of time in my life thinking about and reflecting on my weaknesses and the areas of life in which I lack. There are so many of them. For example, when I was young I was an EXTREME extrovert, I’d talk to and include anyone. I don’t know if it was deployments to Iraq and living on an air craft carrier or if it is just age or social anxiety, but I have the most difficult time approaching people I do not know now that I’m in my 30s. I will talk to anyone but I am not the conversation initiator, hardly ever! Another example is that I can be very forgetful. I wish I were the type of person who remembered everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries, or who remembered to ask friends about how their important appointments and meetings turned out. But that’s just not who I am. Of course these are things that I still try to step out of my comfort zone to grow in, but I don’t think there will come a day when they just come easily to me.

On the flip side of the Enneagram is a book and different kind of personality test that I took last night for part of a ministry leadership team I am serving on. The book is Strengths Based Leadership and rather than focusing on weaknesses, the test it includes pointed out my top 5 (out of 34) natural talents that when strengthened, will lead me to success. A couple of them were no surprise to me… empathy (mercy is one of my top spiritual gifts), developing (as in trying to encourage and motivate others… another top spiritual gift is exhortation). But the other three actually did surprise me. They were adaptability, input (as in I enjoy reading and absorbing information about things that interest me. This is true, the problem is just that I never remember the information!) and intellection, which I didn’t even know was a word. Ha! Soooo intellectual, huh? Anyways… what I enjoyed about this quick read and in-depth test was that it pointed out my strengths to me rather than what I am lacking. The premise is that if I spend time developing these skills and talents then I will be more successful in life, rather than if I spent time trying to develop myself in areas in which I don’t necessarily have talent. It is interesting, for sure!

The final book I want to write about today is the basis for the current small group that Justin and I are a part of. The course is Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, and it is a doozy! But in the best kind of way. There have been so many tears shed these last few weeks and it has made us think about and confront things in our past that we had forgotten by choice. What’s kind of funny about this book and course is that it is the only small group being offered by our chapel currently, so we were going to join no matter what. However, a couple of weeks before it started I read a Relevant article on the best books to read for your enneagram type, and yep, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality was one of the books recommended for type 4s. In the book, Peter Scazzero writes, “When we deny our pain, losses, and feelings year after year, we become less and less human. We transform slowly into empty shells with smiley faces painted on them. Sad to say, that is the fruit of much of our discipleship in our churches. But when I began to allow myself to feel a wider range of emotions, including sadness, depression, fear, and anger, a revolution in my spirituality was unleashed. I soon realized that a failure to appreciate the biblical place of feelings within our larger Christian lives has done extensive damage, keeping free people in Christ in slavery.”

Since I’ve been experiencing such a rough pregnancy, I have spent a lot of time alone and a lot of time just kind of laying around and thinking. Admittedly, I have not spent the kind of time I am accustomed to in my Bible or in prayer. I’ve spent wayyyy too much time thinking about myself and who I am. Sometimes I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how mad at God I am for allowing me to be so sick immediately after a PCS, AGAIN. I’ve spent far too much time thinking about how I want to arrange and decorate the house and not enough time actually executing those plans. A couple of months ago I was in one of the most depressed states I had ever been in. I was sick of being sick, sick of puking, sick of not being able to eat, sick of being hungry, sick of hurting, sick of Japan and snow, sick. of. it. all. The truth is there wasn’t much I could do at the time. I was powerless to stop the sickness and the cycle of pain was never ending. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. I don’t know where I’d be today if the doctors hadn’t decided to try one last option before sending me to live at a different base separate from my family for the remainder of this pregnancy. But luckily, they did. The medicine I now take is far from a perfect option, but for now it is doing it’s job and I’m able to enjoy much better days. But, I’m still eager for the day I can push this kiddo out and bask in the immediate relief that delivery brought me with Harper and with Gideon.

In the meantime, I’ll try and build myself in the areas of my strengths, but more importantly, I’ll spend a LOT more time focusing on God and not myself. Which should be a huge challenge for this INFP Enneagram 4 girl. 😉

Thanks for reading! Check out some of the books I mentioned above!

All images are from our trip to Morocco in May, 2018.

-Danna